Clarity comes to us not in the presence of trumpets or blaring lights or even when we want it to but rather when we least expect it. Clarity, for me, was something I sought after, pined after...something I wished so desperately to have....How I'm speaking right now implies that I have found this elusive virtue- this golden ticket...but I am sorry to say that I don't think we are ever TOTALLY clear in our thinking-Rather- we are granted snipets of clear thought. Small embers that have a way of re-energizing us and illuminating our path when the clouds of doubt roll in as they always seem to do.
Clarity came to me on a trip I took alone to Montana in July of 07. Montana was a place that Paul and I always knew we would visit. We loved to be outdoors hiking, fishing and just appreciating the beauty around us. We were never able to share that experience together so I thought I would follow through alone. Something was calling me there- I needed to be there.
So, on July 19th (our 4 year Anniversary- and I didn't even plan that!!!) I flew out to Montana alone and scared - but also excited for what was ahead of me- the ranch I would work on and the people I would meet.
On the 22nd...I went out to the East Rosebud River and went fly-fishin' for the day. Oh- what a day...100 degrees and no humidity...just me and the icy clear waters of the East Rosebud
flowing through my shoes and pants and over my crowded thoughts...CLARITY!!!! and oh boy-CLARITY in a large dose!!!!
I never knew that life could be so simple and pure- so unadulterated and beautiful and uplifting and refreshing and burdenless. I was free...free from my mind and the pressing fears it harbored. Free from all that made me anxious and scared and tired and alone. Free from myself and the weight of grief and guilt I was heaving along. FINALLY FREE!!!!!!
A friend of mine once said that the waters of Montana had a way of whispering to you...He was right. I never felt so clear and close to Paul and God than on the hot, sunny Sunday in July when I fished the waters of the East Rosebud River...I was humbled and appreciated all that I did have, all I was granted and all that I was truly thankful for.
(By the way- I caught 4 fish!!!! Hee Hee)
2 comments:
i can relate to so much of what you have shared here on your blog. the love of my life died in March 2005, and the healing journey has been a long one, but one full of so many gifts i never expected
sending you hugs, and glad to have found you x
So amazing what a simple escape can do for the heart and mind. I do think those moments of clarity are the ones that shine the brightest lights in the dark and i love that you are able to recall that moment and that trip...that is a feeling you will often remember as you move through each day i believe...like Susannah said, the unknown gifts and connections; the ones that would never have happened had things been different.
I hope your travels now are going well!
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