Finding my way...

In & Out...

2008-03-11T20:26:00.000-07:00

They always seem to float...In & Out...don't they...those sweet and pure memories of us...

How I miss you so.

Long Road Ahead...

2008-03-02T14:44:00.000-08:00

I feel uneasy the last few days...a feeling of being trapped in "the now" when all you want is for time to pass a bit. I equate it to your class trip in gradeschool...when the teacher told you that you were going to your favorite amusement park but you had to wait months in order to see that day arrive!!! I feel like a kid again...awaiting the next big thing. Wanting days to pass by just so I could approach the "big smile time" in life...and walk the road that will get me there quicker.

Why is it that we, as humans, do that? I don't want to be that way...don't get me wrong- anticipation is an adrenaline rush and it feels great, but at the same time we put our blinders on to what's going on in front of our eyes at this very moment. We end up missing the "now" and put all of our energy into the "what if's" of the future. I would just prefer a happy medium so I could appreciate now while still getting butterflies in my stomach about what will eventually come to be. Patience...that is definently a virtue and one I'm lacking a bit as I type this...

It's too Quiet now...

2008-02-24T21:16:00.001-08:00

Why is it that a sadness comes over you as soon as a busy and fun-filled, friend-filled weekend comes to an end? It's ironic...when you are busy having a good time and a full schedule- sometimes you just want a few moments of quiet and alone. Then, as soon as you get that time- when everyone has to leave you because the weekend has come to an end and it's back to your Monday through Friday life- you instantly fall into a stupor. It's almost too quiet and the feeling of being alone is personified.

I cried tonight...I was sad tonight...It wasn't one thing in particular....but a conglomeration of lots of small things that made me expel those tears. It hurt- the way really hot- really stuffy-nosed tears do...the kind that penetrate so deeply that you're unable to catch your breath...

I was hurting tonight... I felt very alone...and of course that led me to feel quite unproductive, which made me feel even worse...isn't that nuts!!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAH

I motivated myself with some good, loud tunes...got some important shit done and then grabbed Romel and went for a run to clear my head. It worked...I cleared my head by breathing the cold February air into my lungs...The chill mixed with those hot tears and clouded up my glasses!!! I laughed at that and realized that the cry I had helped and I was quite lucky to have Romel running next to me as a friend and companion...I guess I wasn't that alone after all.

AMAZED

2008-02-21T20:22:00.001-08:00

I am - once again- amazed how a single person you never met could be so linked to who you are- could write as if they took the passages straight out of your soul. The world is filled with so many people- but to be lucky enough to find a person out there that "speaks your language" is a rare thing. AMAZED...that is the word...AMAZED and thankful for their existence...

RAIN

2008-02-06T21:26:00.000-08:00

I set out late this evening to take Romel for his promised nightly walk...how he looks at me with those big brown eyes...so needy...so wanting for something as simple as a stroll around the block. I find myself enjoying those moments of togetherness more and more, especially on this evening inparticular. There was a strangeness in the weather tonight. A warmth that has been absent far too long it seems. The rain gave us a 15 minute reprieve - just enough to follow our short route- the route we take when I'm running late for work in the morning or feeling tired like tonight. Romel tries to pull me in another direction- as if to say- "I'm not ready yet"- but being understanding of my needs as well, he follows me towards the road that will undoubtedly take us home. He knows me just as I know him...we have a comfort and a friendship that goes deeper than I could ever have imagined in my past life... a life that included Paul and Zoe.

It's after 12:30am and it's still around 6o degrees outside. The warm air blew against my face tonight- it wrapped around me and carried the sound of the windchimes through my ears. The chimes echoed from their dwellings...they played such sweet tunes- tunes that accompanied us as we walked -as I drifted into thought- random thoughts...as light and melodic as the notes that played. The rain began to drip a bit heavier as we rounded the corner to the house...It too was warm and clean and smelled so fresh. I picked up the pace and Romel understood...he began to lead me toward the back gate. It was there that I slakened...I wanted the rain to touch me and I wanted to feel it against my skin. It splashed onto my frames and speckled my vision...It was wonderful.

Romel was right- something as simple as a stroll around the block...what wonders it does-I can't wait till tomorrow!

RECOVERY Wednesday 1/30/08 (trip to VA)

2008-02-02T18:06:00.000-08:00

Recovery...Now there's a vague term. Depending on your life- how turbulent it is at the moment or what obstacles you've had to overcome in the past- each of us experiences our own recovery; a healing of the body, soul, mind and heart, whichever one or all, for that matter, might be in need. Different ways, at different times and in different circumstances our recovery begins to take shape. The key- allowing it to follow its course by not hindering the process with a series of mind interruptions and second guesses. WOW...that's easy...YEAH...guess again!!!!

I wish I could admit that I have followed my own advice since it sounds so simple, so clear, but I cannot. I have tossed and turned throughout the night hours and woke to a series of questions tumbling around my brain like clothes in a dryer- forever spinning round and round, over and over like a looping rhythm. I actually become overheated with panic and uncertainty. How can I allow this? Why do I let my mind dictate how my body reacts?

Shortness of breath, pounding heart, upset stomach, sweaty palms, flushed cheeks...the list goes on and on rendering me usless and out of control. Believe me- I've practiced and pondered, meditated , reflected and even prayed on this subject. The results being less than satisfactory at times.

Recovery, for me, will just have to reveal itself in small doses- each a stepping stone to a better understanding of my own life and the lives of people I meet along the way.

My tendencies lean towards all or nothing- taking care of a problem immediately- or becoming incompacitated until I'm able to resolve an issue that has the potential to derail my life's routine. It's very hard for me to deviate from that openly addmittd OCD I have. I like order in my life, calmness and routine but sometimes the unexpected monkey wrench can be quite exciting. It affords me an opportunity to view life through another set of eyes, remove my blinders, step off the path and run through the mud...Yeah...I'll get dirty along the way and may even say "What made me want to do that?" but in the end I have opened up another locked door in my mind. I have added another experience to my list. An experience I can reflect on and share and that may, if I allow it, bring a sense of recovery in ways I never thought possible.

Things do happen for a reason. I believe that fervently. We are put into situations that upset "our version of order" and have us walking a path that is headed North when we could have sworn we were headed South. Just think- maybe we missed something along the way and this 180 degree turn around just happens to be our chance to go back and check it out...

Second chances don't often fall onto our laps...so embrace the one you are given ...even if it seems more like a hinderance than an opportunity. We all may be suprised with the results- with the recovery that will undoubtly came in time

A Moment Of Clarity...

2008-01-26T16:23:00.000-08:00

Clarity comes to us not in the presence of trumpets or blaring lights or even when we want it to but rather when we least expect it.

Clarity, for me, was something I sought after, pined after...something I wished so desperately to have....How I'm speaking right now implies that I have found this elusive virtue- this golden ticket...but I am sorry to say that I don't think we are ever TOTALLY clear in our thinking-Rather- we are granted snipets of clear thought. Small embers that have a way of re-energizing us and illuminating our path when the clouds of doubt roll in as they always seem to do.

Clarity came to me on a trip I took alone to Montana in July of 07. Montana was a place that Paul and I always knew we would visit. We loved to be outdoors hiking, fishing and just appreciating the beauty around us. We were never able to share that experience together so I thought I would follow through alone. Something was calling me there- I needed to be there.

So, on July 19th (our 4 year Anniversary- and I didn't even plan that!!!) I flew out to Montana alone and scared - but also excited for what was ahead of me- the ranch I would work on and the people I would meet.

On the 22nd...I went out to the East Rosebud River and went fly-fishin' for the day. Oh- what a day...100 degrees and no humidity...just me and the icy clear waters of the East Rosebud
flowing through my shoes and pants and over my crowded thoughts...CLARITY!!!! and oh boy-CLARITY in a large dose!!!!

I never knew that life could be so simple and pure- so unadulterated and beautiful and uplifting and refreshing and burdenless. I was free...free from my mind and the pressing fears it harbored. Free from all that made me anxious and scared and tired and alone. Free from myself and the weight of grief and guilt I was heaving along. FINALLY FREE!!!!!!

A friend of mine once said that the waters of Montana had a way of whispering to you...He was right. I never felt so clear and close to Paul and God than on the hot, sunny Sunday in July when I fished the waters of the East Rosebud River...I was humbled and appreciated all that I did have, all I was granted and all that I was truly thankful for.

(By the way- I caught 4 fish!!!! Hee Hee)

breath of fresh air

2008-01-25T19:18:00.000-08:00

My heart is pounding with happiness and emotion- I can't explain how I feel...
I took a chance - outstretched my hand - and jumped...
I feel light as a feather (Synonymous to the feeling of just walking out of the confessional for all you fellow Catholics!!! Hee Hee)

Thank you Justin, for the courage you have given to me...one person has that power, it's true.

I'm ready to share my feeling ...my words...the ones that have transformed me into who I am...that have helped me to face yet another day. What would we do if we couldn't express ourselves??? I never want to find out...

To follow are my journal entries...the rawness of my being...the overflowing of my heart in my most desperate of times following the death of my husband Paul...

Entry #1 3/06/05 7:50 pm

I am beyond feeling, an exasperated version of myself, that hides within the fearful corners behind the locked doors of my soul- of His- revealing the plan.

Shrouded in a veil of acceptance, unable to change this bewilderment, the cold, dark forrest of anguish beckons me to stay in its damp solice.

A refuge?

It is, in its own way, from what will eventually come to pass...TIME. I am a slave to it for if I stay locked away it will not pass, so in turn, the pain will linger. But if it is to flow, as fate would have it, I am forced to stand before the locked door and graple for the one key that will ultimately open the chamber- the hidden room where we will meet if I will allow myself to see without seeing, believe without reason and trust as I did once before.

My old self...Will I ever bear a likeness of Her? No, for she has been transformed by a hurt that few sustain.
Stronger day by day- weaker in the shadows of the setting sun. Bound to face the unfacable- MYSELF, and the dark recesses of my soul.

Entry #2 3/20/05

I visit this place everyday, its inevitability chases me down- hunts me as if I am it's prey.

Please say I don't have to experience this pain yet another day. I am weakened. My body, now fragile-exhausted with grief. My face-old, hardened by the tears that have saturated every pore, that have incised fissures of flowing water, penetrating my soul.

How do I face this life without You? The magnitude of this loss is overwhelming. It wakes me in the middle of the night and plays horrible tricks on my brain, forcing me to relive every detail of our past over and over-Our dreams and hopes and promises to oneanother.

Is this really happening? I can't quite comprehend the purpose- the purpose of Me. Why am I still alive? Without You- what is the purpose?

Entry #3

Every day another leaf falls away from a once beautiful, lush and vibrant plant. It sits on my bookcase, housed where I keep the most wonderful memories of my life. The dead leaves fall away from the branches- crumpled and dry- lying lifeless- submitting to their fate.

So, everyday more leaves fall away- lifeless to the touch. It is as if this plant represents me and the slow death that is to be faced- that is eating away at my insides like a cancer.

Entry #4 7/11/05 (At the Beach)

I have lost touch with reality...not all the time but in waves. Waves that hit me like a brick when I face up to the truth that you really are gone forever and are NEVER coming back. My mind is twisted, as are my thoughts- polluted by what-ifs and scenarios of what could have been if things were different- if You were still alive.

Time has passed and taken with it some of the harshest of pain. I can now, at least, face the day without becoming sick within. My crawling skin and screaming brain have calmed a bit- more than a bit- for now.

Am I dealing with this? Are you really gone? Living is like a joke. I am ready and await the day , the hour, the minute, the second that I can be in your arms once again and escape from the worry and desperate loss I feel every single day.

Entry #5 8/01/05 8:45 pm

Spring has passed and summer is in full bloom along with every emotion that makes up my inner being. I find myself still confused but somewhat tolerant of the truth. With every passing day comes a new emotion- alternating, if you will, between good and bad, happy and sad. They're all really quite random- sneaking up on me without warning, without a clue to their intentions.

The unbearable rawness and gnawing of loss has significantly subsided. Yes- it is still quite raw but now I feel as if I could at least stand myself- look at myself - be comfortable in my own skin for longer than a minute. The shock of loss is lessened although an ever-present tingling remains, a constant reminder that each day is not a dream but a new day to face without Paul. I cannot hide from the fact that he is gone from my earthly life but rather, I anticipate the day when we will be together once again like we were ALWAYS meant to be.

Entry #6 8/08/05 8:13 am

I've come to realize that EVERYONE has their own story, their own secret to tell.

When tragedy struck, I thought, for the longest time, that I was the only one dealing with pain and hurt. I felt like I was glowing neon when I walked through a crowd- that somehow everyone would know/see that I was different. That feeling made me so uneasy, so vulnerable, so envious of their "normal" lives.

How could I have been so blind? Consumed and clouded by my own pain made me ignorant to everyone elses.

After speaking with friends and also complete strangers, I began to realize that I wasn't the only one to be going through a horrible experience. Stories of loss, hurt, betrayal and pain came to the forefront- visible now, only because I also was tainted.

It eases the whole burden to know that there are people who feel like I do- who know what I face each and every day.

Entry # 7

Its been over a year now and I finally set pen to paper in order to pour out more of my soul in inky passages. Like water pouring out of a faucet, more than two years of emotion has poured out of me into an open expanse of life- My everyday twiddlings and to's and fro's.

The hot and cold of my emotions have become less frequent. I can say now, more of a luke warm feeling eminates from my being. I tried to become, as my mother would say, "even-keeled" with the occasional spike or lul here and there. It's been hard at times to control that temperature gauge but the feeling - or "knack" of it - has become more natural. A quiet moment, time alone, steadied breathing, a whispered prayer - all these coupled together equal, in some way, peace.

PEACE- now there is a word I love. I find it in certain places. My sister Heather, the deep breathing of my dogs as they lay snuggled beside me or when I'm lying on my bed on a weekday in the afternoon and the winter sun shines through the window pane and touches my face.

crowded mind

2008-01-24T18:22:00.000-08:00